When it comes to online shopping there are two things I swipe my credit card for more than anything else-- clothes and concert tickets. So when the Google bots discovered that one of my favorite online fashion retailers, Shopbop, was featuring a "Music Festival Style" boutique this month, they were more than overjoyed to send this show junkie a lookbook.
Man, what the fuck are these editors smoking? Have they even been to a festival, let alone attempted to wear silk chiffon in 100-degree heat? Though some of the style choices are right up my alley (and others are too hideous to exist) the pricetags on some of these pieces are higher than what that asshat on StubHub charged you for Hampton tickets.
Diane Von Furstenberg Jamaica Sundress: $255.00
Is this a beautiful dress? Sure. Is it appropriate for a festival? In theory, perhaps. But would anyone who doesn't regularly wipe their ass with hundred dollar bills ever wear a $255.00 dress to a big-ass muddy field where it's sure to be stomped on, sweat-stained and dirtied up after only a few hours? DVF dresses are meant to be worn in nice restaurants and on decks at a house in the Hamptons, not in a sweaty throng of Phisheads where a wookie could vomit on you at any second. Ladies, take inspiration from the comfy cut and the boho print-- it shouldn't be too difficult to find something similar in the lot for 10% of the price.
Antik Batik Joya Handbag: $448.00
Here's the one question you should ask yourself when shopping for a bag to take to festivals-- am I going to care if I have to put this down in a patch of grass, dirt, and spilled beer? Like this bag right here. If it were canvas and I got it at an incense store for $24.99, I probably wouldn't care. But this sumptuous studded suede number? I wouldn't dare disrespect it enough to let a bunch of hipsters stomp on it during Split Open and Melt. For something in a similar style, hit up your local head shop or even check out Old Navy for some hippie-print hobos that will hold all your tour essentials.
Lee Angel Jewelry Solange Long Tassel Necklace: $220.00
$220.00 for something a spun-out hippie chick with a bag of beads and an old silk curtain tie could make for you while you wait for her boyfriend to come back with that gram of molly he promised your crew? $220.00? Say what?
Style= right. Price= retarded.I bet the joker could get me a necklace just like this for free if he walked up to some cute chick with beads and played her a Radiohead song on his guitar.
What Comes Around Goes Around Vintage Cutoff Shorts: $154.00, Twelfth Street by Cynthia Vincent Athena Sandals: $300.00
I'm just warning you all ahead of time. If I see anyone wearing this foul combination at a show this summer, you will be photographed and ridiculed on the Coventry Music Blog. That is a promise. I'll be watching. I don't understand how any fashion editor could stand by this tragic marriage of Jessica Simpson's Daisy Dukes with Russell Crowe's Gladiator sandals but I can tell you that after standing in the sun wearing them all day in the blazing heat-- your feet will be sore, blistered, and slippery with sweat and your right arm tired after pulling those shorts out of your ass crack all day. Unless you're ambidextrous. Then both of your arms will be tired.
So, now you know what not to wear and have a few style ideas to work with. In Part II I'll share my five essential fashion tips for festivals.