Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Bedroom Rockers Mix

Spring is in the air and mating season is upon us once again. The Bedroom Rockers Mix is intended to help you guys achieve a successful night when bringing home a lady. Recent studies show that this mix is preferred over roofies by 69.0% of most women. It is very important that you play the mix in the order of the following track-list. Scientists at The University of Colorado have spent the last 4 years working on the proper order of these tracks to guarantee effective results.

Bedroom Rockers Mix
song - artist/instructions

1. Bionics - Intelligent Jazz / This song is your introduction, your intention, your desire to set the mood. This shit works like Barry White or Marvin Gaye, just a modern day version that will only impress her with your originality and fantastic taste in music. Pour her a drink during this song and pretend that you are interested in something besides her va-jay-jay. Bust out your cocaine and just leave it out for now. Try asking her about her family.

2. The Eastoner - General Midi - / The bass line in this song will lead her in the direction of dirty thoughts and might be a good opportunity to start some heavy petting. But don't rush things, if she's not quite there yet, ask her if she has any animals, but don't tell her that you like doggy style until track #10.

3. Try Me / J Boogie'S Dubtronic Science - You should be making out by now and trying to remember where you stashed that pill of Viagra that your buddy told you to try. This is going to happen, but don't get too excited and rush it! The key is patience.

4. High Noon - Kruder & Dorfmeister / This song is called High Noon and you probably have a major wood by now. Take a break to maybe get another drink. While you do this, track down that Viagra, crush it up, and mix into the giant rail of cocaine that you have ready to go. Ready, Set, BLOW!

5. Nakonda - Moodorama / Time to get back to business, only this time be a little more aggressive with your intentions.

6. Road to Benares - Thunderball / "Benares" is Indian for "Eternal ecstasy of the genitalia". Impress her with your intelligence and start some foreplay.

7. Underwater Love - Jerome Isma-Ae / Foreplay is a must at this point. This song drops panties faster than Derek Vincent Smith in a room full of molly. There is no turning back now.

8. Mood Blender - Social Scientist / Time to finish up that foreplay and make your move to home base.

9. Onikoroshi - Keston & Westdal / "Onikoroshi" is Japanese for "so damn good, it would kill a demon." It's time, go ahead and kill that demon. But don't pull a Trey and blow your wad in the first set.

10. Swimming Pool - Rae & Christian / Keep it strong and steady through this song - you're not done yet, and the grand finale is still to come. Don't be afraid to make farm animal noises at this point.

11. Original Bedroom Rockers - Kruder & Dorfmeister / This is the title track of the mix. This is the moment you have been waiting for since you first put this mix on. This song is so dirty, so nasty, yet so perfect to SIIHB. Don't even ask, just let the music guide it in.

12. Stonyridge Terrace - Ian Pooley / And now your victory song. Lay back, smile, and have her go get a warm wash cloth to clean up that huge mess you just made. Nice work, SON!



Broseph said...

will be using this tonight, nice work sir

the joker said...

wow jonas. impressive descriptions! i LOL'd a couple of times. ill keep this on my iphone at all times.

DiscoSis1 said...

i had a guy in college make me a mix of bob dylan only music with descriptions next to the songs very similar to yours. soooo, kind of creepy. and no, he did not get in my pants.

jonas0tt0 said...

BOB DYLAN!? No wonder he didnt get in your pants!

lol... Bob Dylan...

Kid Dynamite said...

my favorite bedroom mix related story comes from Soul Coughing's lead singer M Doughty, who explained that the great song "Soundtrack to Mary," was about making mix tapes to have sex to... and this song, get it, was the soundtrack to MARY.

Anonymous said...

No Drivin Music? :'(